( there is nothing more to say. she knew what her answer would be, but still decided to ask, just to ask. what she got was what she deserved, and homura didn't have much else to say.
as they both fell silent, she thought about what would happen tomorrow. sometimes the continuum surprised her; the day would be considerably different than before, but the next day would fall right back into place. usually the same thing happened; occasionally an outside power would vary homura's day and that sometimes caught her by surprise. it was those little things that still filled her with hope.
the sound of the coffee opening brought her back, and she soon turned towards sayaka. as much as she wanted to keep this little gathering peaceful, she couldn't help but find herself slightly annoyed with that suggestion. 'we're similar now.'
she couldn't be more wrong. )
Sayaka-san, we have a few similarities.....
( she took a turn towards the other, her hair lifting up in the movement, and she closed in on her.
with her eyes narrowed and her mouth slightly twisted, she spoke once more. )
( she presses her tongue against the sharp edges of her teeth, pressing her fingers into the can until she feels it begin to dimple. what is her problem? can't she see, doesn't she understand? it's taking every bit of restraint sayaka has, to keep from yelling, to keep her emotions from bursting out — cold, not warm, and she hates homura like this, all cold and better than. she's not. she never will be. she can't.
there's a waver to her voice, still loud, less strong; her smile up at homura is tight but she still tries to play it as a joke because the other alternative is to veer it into something sharp and cold. )
( she might have seen her as that, pretentious, cold, calculating. the reality was that homura saw herself as an intruder, an outsider.
in order to protect those around her, she had to distance herself from them all and become the mature one. it was a terrible burden, and in a way, she felt as if nobody could understand her. nobody would ever, so it was best to keep herself distant. previous timelines taught her that when she tried to open up, she was met with the cold hand of ignorance and disgust.
so now she remained silent, taking in the other's reaction. it was surprisingly positive, and for that she would reward her with a simple nod. )
I suppose that's the way it is. The way it will always be.
( in a way, it'd be easier if homura had argued. she doesn't know what to say; she can't continue the joke if she agrees, because she fundamentally can't understand. why would she say that so openly? why would anyone? she can't look at her anymore, swinging her gaze back to her warming coffee. )
( well that certainly was new. like it was mentioned, it was these little things that took homura by surprise.
she had expected her to become red at the face, huff and puff, and retaliate at her. instead she simply offered what was in a way, a solution.
homura turned her back towards her, and placed her arms behind her. she was a professional when it came to masking and hiding her true emotions, but for once she felt like saying what she felt.
she didn't. instead she looked up at the sky and spoke the truth. )
Sayaka, it does not matter where we are, what time it is, or what has happened. I will always be this way. There is no changing what is written and set in stone.
I'd advise you not to try and change things, for your own good.
Or what? ( she says, a little more heat in her voice, ) I'll vanish, or die?
( it's not like that hasn't happened before. it's not like she doesn't expect that to happen again. no matter how many thousands of things she could be doing instead of sitting on this rooftop, the fact is that none of this is right. this world, this fake, stupid world, it tears at her, peels at her in tiny ways, and how can anyone suggest she not fight it? fight for what's right? (fight for madoka?)
she doesn't spring to her feet, but her entire body is tense, her can denting with a soft noise. ) Or are you saying you'll kill me if I try?
( there was a sudden awkwardness plunging the space between them. homura wasn't sure if she should indulge the other and flat out say 'yes' or just bide her time.
not that she missed the way it was before, simply that she didn't want to argue much with the other.
what had to be done, had to be done still. so she slowly turned again and looked down at sayaki.
in a soft and almost godly voice, she spoke again. )
It is not in my nature to kill beings who have not brought it upon themselves to be killed.
However I am not opposed to ending your life if I needed to.
( for less than a second, she wants to say then go ahead and end this world, make it a challenge, give it a bite — but she pushes it back, her shoulders pulling up and in, keeping the words from coming out. no, that's not what she's here for.
she can't sit still anymore, she jumps to her feet, placing the can on the ledge and leaping forward, past homura, sure-footed on the gravel, turning and swinging back around. be like madoka. be good, but it still comes out as an angry accusation; itching for a fight. ) We used to be a team. ( not friends, never friends, but she'd trusted homura to watch her back in a fight, and she'd fought as hard as she could to save her in the dream, and that's something, right? she keeps her fists clenched tight, she twists back around, away from homura, anxious and taut. )
You really think you're that much better than me? ( than everyone else? it's that cold arrogance, that apathy, that she really can't stand. )
That's bull! ( she's so surprised that it just slips out, the phrasing unconsciously lifted from kyoko, because her own words are not strong enough right now; if that was true, they wouldn't be here. here wouldn't even be a thing. isn't that right?
she remains turned away, but continues after a moment. ) There's no way… but … ( be good. be nice. be kind. ) Okay. If you do think that, then… ( all these little pauses, these little breaks to breath and force out the words; she knows what she came here to do but it's so hard. ) okay… that's a first step.
( homura could automatically sense that those words were kyoko's influence upon the girl. that didn't mean they stung any less.
homura walked closer to sayaka, watching as her back curved in a bit and how her hair looked in against the night sky. she would not kill her unless it was asked for, and even then she would still consider madoka's feelings about all of this.
for that was the main reason these two were even speaking to each other. )
I do believe that I know more than you when it comes to certain things. That is all I have over you.
( she takes in a big breath, her shoulders rising and falling like waves. ) I know something that you don't know, too. ( that she's right. not just correct, but right, that the truth is this world needs to end and until it does, until that moment, until homura finally understands it too — well, that's why she's here, isn't it? )
But… ( she forces her fingers to unclench. ) I didn't come here to fight today.
( she flinches, straightens her back, at homura's correct assumptions; growing stiff and lifting her chin, groping towards defiance, no-way melding with so-what-if-you-are? she can't help but lean back slightly when homura gets too close, but she squares her shoulder and forces herself to use the few centimetres she has over her to her advantage; she's physically the stronger, she tells herself. )
I'm not afraid of anything you could do to me. ( she says, straightening again, shifting herself slightly towards homura, widening your stance. ) Even if you killed me, I'm already supposed to be dead. Even if you made me forget, I'd remember. There's nothing you can do to make me change my mind! ( the bluster, the threat, whatever it may be — the funny part about saying things, sayaka has found, is that it becomes easier to do them once they're said, the act of speaking closing off roads to doubt or hesitation. )
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